my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
