Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
