and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
