Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
