i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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