he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I am spending my child support on dildos
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
