I can text with my tongue
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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