Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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