i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
My underwear smells like fireworks.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
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My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
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My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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