Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
