omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
