Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
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