Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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