it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
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He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
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He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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