I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Randomize
