At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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