how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
