hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
