A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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