Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
