My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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