I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
