Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize