pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
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Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
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Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
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