You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
