I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
How does one acquire holy water?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
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