The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
