you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
