sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Everyone says I win the strip club
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
