I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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