life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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