I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Sorry about my life...
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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