When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
