I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
