Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
