there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
