dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
