happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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