Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
