In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
