Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
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No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
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I supernannyed him into submission
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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