so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Randomize
