He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
