he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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