my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
