i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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