Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Randomize
