I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
