I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
