Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
