I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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