I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
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