I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
