I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
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