Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
