I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
