thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
