I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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