today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
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Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
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i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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