So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I want to fling myself into the sun
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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