gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
