Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize