No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
